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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

A Letter from My Personal Demon's Overlord

In my English 3/4 class this month, we are reading and discussing The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and Lord Foulgrin's Letters by Randy Alcorn.  For their creative writing assignment, students composed letters from one high-ranking demon to a lower-ranking demon who was assigned to tempt and torment them.

Since I believe in teaching by example, I composed a personal demon letter using a few of our vocabulary words and literary allusions.  When my husband, Mark, read it, he offered to record it for me, and I think it turned out extremely demonic sounding!  If there is enough interest, I may write a few more.  I value your feedback!

Demon Letter #1 by Giselle Ates

To my inept underling, Victor,

How many letters must I write to reprimand and instruct such a worthless, talentless tempter?  How did you promote to the ranks of interacting with our enemy’s most prized pets?  How can you even consider yourself a demon worthy of my tutelage?  And how in Hades did I get stuck with you as my pupil?   Oh, to have our enemy’s power of omniscience!

Despite our limitations, in your last correspondence you bragged about how you got your blood-bag focused on teaching rather than praying to or praising that sanctimonious creator.  That seemed almost evil enough, until another of my underlings, a first-class tempter of a certain hell-bound bag of bones that happens to attend her English class, reported your obvious omissions and massive, major mistakes!  You were so busy congratulating yourself—for such a short-lived diversion I might add—that you failed to notice, or at least mention, the fact that the class moved on from the classic novel with your namesake as the whiny, spineless, protagonist to two more modern reading endeavors.  As I’ve mentioned countless times, reading can be good for them and bad for us because it broadens their thinking and reasoning abilities and allows them to pause for self-reflection—much unlike our other, delightfully sinful diversions that open up worlds and hells of opportunity through gloriously immoral visual and auditory stimuli—oh, to enjoy the wicked delights of the corporal world!  Blood, gore, hatred, violence, rape, and murder—delicious!

But back to the point.  Did you not realize the significance of her new curriculum!  It forces her, as well as her students to read, or at least ponder concepts from the dreaded book!  The enemy’s instruction manual!  Even if her preparations take up most of her time, she’s still creating assignments that will eventually have them all discussing and reflecting on the power of He-who-must-not-be-named!  Blast those Christian schools!  At present, we have no way of blocking those types of books in those types of schools—but we have demons in high human positions strategizing on how to undermine those particular vermin.  Even if those stupid creatures laugh and disbelieve the content in those hell-storical novels, the whole focus of those two particular books is to make the humans apprehend that we and Hell and He and Heaven are real.  Through those fictional books about demons such as us, writing letters like this one, she is teaching apologetics!  Worse, she’s encouraging those hormone-ridden, argument-driven, young hairless apes (ha!), to think for themselves!  To contemplate eternity rather than the temporal pleasures that we can provide!  It’s time to attack!

Stretch out your claws and stir her emotions.  Get her irritated with her family, her co-workers, her friends, her students—anyone and everyone!  Divert her attention to the mindless games on Facebook and pointless articles on the Internet.  And when she is in class, divert their discussions!  Have them focus on literary devices, or better yet, the human failings of the authors!  I’ve already instructed several other tempters who attend that class to prod their patients into participating by offering inappropriate jokes, rude comments, and off-topic issues!   Irritation and distraction are powerful tools—use them!

Your Overlord,


  1. LOOOOVVVEEE IIITTTT!!!!! Mark, you did an AWESOME job!!!! WWWOOOWWW.

  2. I like it! You should make more an possibly make it slightly longer though! -Ruth